Sunday, April 17, 2016

Videos 7: "The Lobster"

I recently ran across a new movie called "The Lobster". It's a limited-release dark comedy shot in Ireland. It was shown at both the Cannes Film Festival and the Toronto International Film Festival in 2015, and won a prize at Cannes - so the film itself is worth watching.

But why might it be of special interest to you, dear reader? Let's take a look at the plot description from Wikipedia (click to enlarge, no spoilers):

"Masturbation is banned, but sexual stimulation by the hotel maid, 
without orgasm, is mandatory." 
Yes. Please.

Obviously, this is relevant to my interests. And I'm sure you're wondering who plays The Maid...

"I'm Ariane Labed, and I'll be starring in your fantasies from now on."

"Not even one of them is attractive. Again."

As you might have gathered from her expression above, the whole maid-sturbation (sorry) angle is played dead serious. It's the job of The Maid, and she clearly treats it as such. There's something very hot about how business-like she is as she goes about her duties.

 "Sir will keep his hands to himself."

I won't mislead you, this isn't a huge part of the film. But it's worth checking out if you're in the mood for a dark comedy - or if you're looking for an easy way to bring up tease and denial with your significant other. The Lobster will be released in the US on May 13, 2016.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Chastity Captions 141-150

I'm back with 10 more brand new Chastity captions! This set includes my 150th chastity caption. That's a milestone for me!

The resolve of a chastity slave melts faster on the beach than a snowball.

She means the end of the year, of course, not the end of this semester.
It's your mistake, really.

A financially-independent dominant is an especially dangerous creature.

Be grateful or die of blue balls.
It's all the same to her.

Careful. It's one month for every five seconds...

Just agree with her. It'll go easier on you.

 Anything you complain about can and will be used against you.

Also, she could use a good laugh.

Don't forget to thank her for being so generous.

Putting your key in her hand and  
creating 150 chastity captions is also acceptable.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 2: Interruptions

"Dear pornographers, please stop..."

I love porn. I mean, I love porn. But that doesn't mean I love all porn. Or that porn couldn't be better. There's always room for improvement. So here are some suggestions on what you can do to make your porn even better.

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 2
How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 1

Stop the recording if you get interrupted by a phone.

Like, for example, if your cell phone goes off turning the recording. Seriously. Stop recording and start over. And, whatever you do...

Don't check who's calling 

silence the call

then continue on with the clip.

A good rule of thumb would be to turn your phone off before you start shooting. Or put it somewhere other than the room you're shooting in. That way, it won't go off 80% of the way through your clip.

And again, if your phone does ring during a shoot, definitely don't check who's calling while you continue to talk to the camera. That's a garbage move. People are paying for your product - don't rip them off. You fucked up by bringing your phone into the room, so just suck it up and re-shoot your shitty 9-minute clip.

Stop the recording if The Talent does something that distracts from the scene. Like she starts coughing, sneezing, or yawning. Do I really have to tell you this?

Yawning. Fucking yawning. During a clip. It's only 7 minutes long, how hard is it to find 7 minutes where the woman isn't about to fall asleep?
(not a yawning fetish clip, but it should be)

Or, if she starts coughing. You should edit that out or start over. Certainly don't just "play through it" and post it as if it came out the way you wanted.

Nothing gets me hotter than loud, abrasive hacking.

Or if The Talent lets a tremendous fart rip right in the middle of her Cum Eating Instruction clip, go ahead and stop filming. Or edit it out. Pretty much either. Just don't leave the whole thing in.

Especially if she tries desperately to signal you that she wants to stop.

By, like, calling 'time out' over and over.

 That would be a good clue.

Or if The Talent gets distracted by a scab on her knee. Just stop the camera and tell her to stop picking at it. What you shouldn't do is just continue to let her do the clip and then sell it as if there's not this weird zip-popping expedition running through the full length.

At least she's not falling asleep, I guess.

Come on everybody. Porn is great, but together we can make it so, so much better.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Ass Worship Captions 131-140

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I hope all of you perverts have a wonderful end of the year and a fantastic 2015!

Here's a set of new ass worship captions to help you ring in the New Year exactly how you should - on your knees behind a domineering woman with your insipid face wedged between her glorious cheeks.

I mean, it's something. Right?

You don't really want to date, do you?
Wouldn't you rather forgo a social life and just lick mean girls' assholes?

It's not fair for her to wait from Thursday until Friday night to get her ass worshipped.
Your monthly orgasm can wait until your next monthly orgasm.

If you do a truly thorough job, she may let you eat 
actual 'real people' food off of her ass.
It's good to have goals.

You're going to apologize until she believes you.
Prepare to be red-faced, sweaty, and out of breath by the time she's convinced.

She has never, ever been accused for playing fair.
 Not once.

Let's be honest. It's not like you had other plans.

Just let her adjust her socks and call over her friends in the cheerleading squad.

I'm sure she won't abuse her new position.
But you'd still better practice saying Please and Thank You.
And begging.

Your girlfriend's asshole is actually your new girlfriend.
And you're going to love your long make out sessions with your new girlfriend.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Videos 6: Halloween Edition - Catwoman & Harley Quinn

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Last year The Mad Eroticist (, turned me on to ASMR videos. Since then, I've been watching ASMR videos pretty regularly. The ones I like best are the roleplay ASMR videos, for obvious/perverted reasons. About a month ago I stumbled on a video that wasn't just a roleplay ASMR... it was a cosplay ASMR.

"Inky ASMR" did a video where she was Harley Quinn! Complete with pigtails, black lipstick, and adorable insanity. In the video you're Batman - captured and helpless. She threatens and humiliates you in a way that seems so natural to her. It's nothing too overt, just this gloriously subtle disregard for you. "I'm just a gymnast... with a tranquilizer gun. And a baseball bat."

If that wasn't enough, Inky followed that up with a video where she plays Catwoman. Black latex mask, shiny black catsuit, dark red lipstick, and a distinct indifference to your discomfort. And you're her prisoner. Oh, that cold smile. Yes. Please.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Videos 5: Halloween Edition - Zombies!

Happy Halloween, perverts!

I've been working on ways to make it easier for people to follow this blog, share the content, and interact with me! I've started a Twitter account where I'll post whenever I have updates to the blog, just like I do with my Tumblr account. As usual, I'm always happy to hear your thoughts, suggestions, and feedback on content you want to see, the blog in general, or whatever  =)

Ok. Now for the pervy Halloween stuff.

Let's talk about zombies for a minute. They're bad news. And what's the best way to deal with the walking dead? Aim for the head, of course. I love watching zombie movies, so when I stumbled across a short video/commercial called "Doing A Weekly Shop In A Zombie Apocalypse" I had to check it out.

But while I was watching, I noticed I was having some inappropriate thoughts. (gasp!) Maybe it was the knee socks. Or the young lady wearing them. Or the cricket bat she was using to slap zombies around. Or the bat was chained to her for safe keeping. Or maybe it was her vinyl running shorts.

I found myself wishing that Buffy The Zombie Slayer would use the bat to teach me a valuable lesson. About zombie-safety or how they like they socks folded. Whatever excuse, really. Spare the rod and all that.

 Who knew I'd spend most of the outbreak drooling?

 Disdain looks the same, even after the apocalypse.

Here comes the pain.
Remember to say "thank you".

Wiggle wiggle wiggle... yeah.

Fair warning, there's some zombie gore in the full video.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Sissy Captions 131-140

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Here are 10 brand new Sissy Captions for the secret panty-wears, the closet wannabe-cocksuckers, and the full-on frilly dress wearing sissies among us!

He's going to enjoy that gift several times a day.
Every day.

They say it takes 10,000 hours of practice to perfect a skill.
You better get started.

Pink satin ribbons go with any delightfully
feminine Halloween costume.

Wasn't it nice of your ex to enroll you?

It's an important milestone.
You should celebrate by posting an ad on Craigslist looking for a "mean daddy".

Of course you couldn't just wear dresses, stockings, and panties.
Three lacey pink ribbons? Three? Really?

 Your mouth + hard cock + her ass = massive cumload 
Your mouth + hard cock - her ass + massive cumload = your future

The sobbing will only make her want to hurt you more.
So maybe you do want to keep crying.
I'm not here to judge.

Bad sissies get punished.
Good sissies also get punished.
It may not be fair, but it makes for obedient sissies.

Try not to let them fuck you in that 
patch of poison ivy they're leading you towards.