Saturday, October 8, 2016

Cuckold Captions 141-150

 I'm back with 10 more brand new Cuckold Captions! Enjoy!

Good luck explaining that away...

The only time she lets you see her naked are when she's demonstrating
how her bull fucked her.

That way he's able to fuck both of you at once!

It's like she's trying to make you feel bad.

The HR rep is a tall guy who spends most of his free time at the gym.
You can trust him.

You probably shouldn't have said anything...

Only 36? Don't be insulting.

 Truth and begging will get her the fucking she deserves.

She told you she wouldn't cheat on you, if you were just six inches long.
Since you're barely half that, she's on the hunt for twice that.

You don't even factor in.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Chastity Captions 151-160

I'm back with 10 brand new Chastity captions! Enjoy, perverts!

It's just that they keep laughing about it... 

Why don't you try focusing on someone else for a change? 

 I mean, do you want to make her sad?

Her butthole will probably say no.
But you should ask anyway. 

That's what you get for bothering her.
It's your own fault, really. 

That's ok, you didn't want an orgasm for Christmas, did you? 

Sure, you didn't hear anything.
But that's probably because you were so focused on jerking off. 

Just nod and say thank you. 

That apology better be sincere.

You can spank her tight teen ass brutally...
It will only make your blueballs infinitely worse, but you can.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Videos 7: "The Lobster"

I recently ran across a new movie called "The Lobster". It's a limited-release dark comedy shot in Ireland. It was shown at both the Cannes Film Festival and the Toronto International Film Festival in 2015, and won a prize at Cannes - so the film itself is worth watching.

But why might it be of special interest to you, dear reader? Let's take a look at the plot description from Wikipedia (click to enlarge, no spoilers):

"Masturbation is banned, but sexual stimulation by the hotel maid, 
without orgasm, is mandatory." 
Yes. Please.

Obviously, this is relevant to my interests. And I'm sure you're wondering who plays The Maid...

"I'm Ariane Labed, and I'll be starring in your fantasies from now on."

"Not even one of them is attractive. Again."

As you might have gathered from her expression above, the whole maid-sturbation (sorry) angle is played dead serious. It's the job of The Maid, and she clearly treats it as such. There's something very hot about how business-like she is as she goes about her duties.

 "Sir will keep his hands to himself."

I won't mislead you, this isn't a huge part of the film. But it's worth checking out if you're in the mood for a dark comedy - or if you're looking for an easy way to bring up tease and denial with your significant other. The Lobster will be released in the US on May 13, 2016.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Chastity Captions 141-150

I'm back with 10 more brand new Chastity captions! This set includes my 150th chastity caption. That's a milestone for me!

The resolve of a chastity slave melts faster on the beach than a snowball.

She means the end of the year, of course, not the end of this semester.
It's your mistake, really.

A financially-independent dominant is an especially dangerous creature.

Be grateful or die of blue balls.
It's all the same to her.

Careful. It's one month for every five seconds...

Just agree with her. It'll go easier on you.

 Anything you complain about can and will be used against you.

Also, she could use a good laugh.

Don't forget to thank her for being so generous.

Putting your key in her hand and  
creating 150 chastity captions is also acceptable.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 2: Interruptions

"Dear pornographers, please stop..."

I love porn. I mean, I love porn. But that doesn't mean I love all porn. Or that porn couldn't be better. There's always room for improvement. So here are some suggestions on what you can do to make your porn even better.

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 2
How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 1

Stop the recording if you get interrupted by a phone.

Like, for example, if your cell phone goes off turning the recording. Seriously. Stop recording and start over. And, whatever you do...

Don't check who's calling 

silence the call

then continue on with the clip.

A good rule of thumb would be to turn your phone off before you start shooting. Or put it somewhere other than the room you're shooting in. That way, it won't go off 80% of the way through your clip.

And again, if your phone does ring during a shoot, definitely don't check who's calling while you continue to talk to the camera. That's a garbage move. People are paying for your product - don't rip them off. You fucked up by bringing your phone into the room, so just suck it up and re-shoot your shitty 9-minute clip.

Stop the recording if The Talent does something that distracts from the scene. Like she starts coughing, sneezing, or yawning. Do I really have to tell you this?

Yawning. Fucking yawning. During a clip. It's only 7 minutes long, how hard is it to find 7 minutes where the woman isn't about to fall asleep?
(not a yawning fetish clip, but it should be)

Or, if she starts coughing. You should edit that out or start over. Certainly don't just "play through it" and post it as if it came out the way you wanted.

Nothing gets me hotter than loud, abrasive hacking.

Or if The Talent lets a tremendous fart rip right in the middle of her Cum Eating Instruction clip, go ahead and stop filming. Or edit it out. Pretty much either. Just don't leave the whole thing in.

Especially if she tries desperately to signal you that she wants to stop.

By, like, calling 'time out' over and over.

 That would be a good clue.

Or if The Talent gets distracted by a scab on her knee. Just stop the camera and tell her to stop picking at it. What you shouldn't do is just continue to let her do the clip and then sell it as if there's not this weird zip-popping expedition running through the full length.

At least she's not falling asleep, I guess.

Come on everybody. Porn is great, but together we can make it so, so much better.