Monday, January 17, 2011

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 1

I love porn. Really. I love porn. But that doesn't mean that I love all porn. Or that the porn movies out there couldn't be better. There's always room for improvement. So here are my suggestions on what can be done to maximize the awesomeness of any porn movie.

How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 2
How To Avoid Making Terrible Porn 1

7) Shooting In Out-Dated Formats/With Out-Dated Equipment
Low-res video?
2 megapixel camera?
Poor lighting?
Digital format that doesn't allow skipping?

Seriously. None of these technical issues should be keeping your viewers from enjoying your final product. It's not the 1990's any more.

There's no reason not to have high-res video and pictures. A 7 megapixel camera is $100 at Best Buy. Can't handle that? Get out of the business, you're cluttering the intrawebbernette with your garbage.

Can't figure out how to take pictures or video so that we can see the girl(s) getting the holy hell gangbanged outta their pooper? Then get out of the way and let someone else do it!

Oh, you want to format your digital video clips so that I can't skip forward to the part I want to see? Well, fuck you. There's a reason that the net is killing porn sales... congrats on being a part of it.

6) Using Any Language Other Than English
Don't bother. I don't care if you do live in a country where people speak a different language... take a second to think about this: Which country has the most people with internet access? Who has disposable income to burn on watching people bang? And what language do they speak? Ok, now go shoot your porn in English.

5) Shooting Outdoors
Hey, guess what? Your audio gear sucks. It does. It's terrible. It'll catch your girl moaning about how hot the cock in her ass is getting her and that's about it. Don't fucking take your shoot outside. I don't want to listen to cars drive by as the girl gets plowed. I don't want to listen to the wind. I sure as hell don't want to hear a plane fly over while the girl gets the Chinese fingercuffs treatment. Knock it off, and film inside so I don't have to listen to a fire truck drive by while I jack off.

4) Pretending It's Real
It was cute when it first started. Whether it was a bus or boat, there was a feeling, however slight, that maybe - just maybe - parts of this were real. And then you started casting well-known pornstars in your "it's totally real!" videos.

Fine. But drop the fucking charade already. It's not real and no one, and I mean no one, believes it is! You're not picking random girls up off the street. That's Jaylynn Sinns. I know her. (Believe me, I know her).

It's not amateur video, so why pretend? Do I want to watch Candy Monroe get pounded by BBC? Hell, yes. Do I want to watch her pretend to be talking to her "boyfriend" beforehand? Um, no. I just watched the infinitely hot Madison Young give him an ass-pounding on Men In Pain. I'm pretty sure he's a pro. So knock it off.

You know how everybody makes fun of porn from the 70's and 80's because of the stupid "plumber comes over to fix the sink" plots? Guess what people are going to make fun of from 90's and 00's porn? That's right... pretending staged scenes were amateur porn.

What's wrong with just having a hot pornstar get some cock? That's all I'm asking.

3) Bringing Up Real Life
Nothing makes me turn off a porn scene faster than having the pornstar start talking about the viewer's (my) family, job, or boss. Seriously, who thought that was a good idea? Why would I want the hot girl I'm jacking off to... to start talking about my boss? Why???

I actually ran into this one just last week. I was watching a regular porn scene - not a cuckolding or humiliation scene or anything - and partway through, the pornstar says, "Wouldn't your mom be proud to see you jacking off to my porn videos like this?" That's a direct quote. Out of a standard, run-of-the-mill, m/f porno. Seriously. Knock that shit off.

Which leads me to #2...

2) Asking Awkward Questions
You know that part at the beginning of a porn scene, where the guy behind the camera asks the pornstar a couple of questions before she gets fucked? Why, why, why can't that guy run the questions by the pornstar before they start filming?

The questions I really mind are the ones that start out, "How old where you when you first..." Seriously. That is some creepy shit. Why would anyone (who's not headed to pedobear prison) want to know how old the hot chick was when she first blew a guy? Invariably, the poor girl tries to answer honestly and ends up skeeving out the viewers with her answer.

Just stick to questions about where she most likes to have cock stuck. Or, better yet, skip the stupid Q&A and just go with the always popular dancing/stripping montage. Please.

1) The "Narrator" Talking Over The Action
This pisses me off to no end.

I get it, you're the guy who runs (for example) a porn site specializing in girls with pigtails and round asses (.com). Good for you. It's a great idea. I like pigtails. And I like round asses. So two points for you. But guess what I don't like? Listening to you, the nasally narrator/pervert talking over the hot girl's performance.

Sure, ask the pornstar a few questions before she gets fucked. (Please, see #2 first) Ask her what gets her hot, what she likes a guy to do to her, blah blah blah. Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.

No one - and I can't emphasize this enough - no one is watching this porn to hear you talk. We don't want to hear you encouraging the guy. We don't want to hear you call for position changes. And we sure as hell don't want to hear your lame jokes. (No, no. Trust me, they're lame)

Are you a pornstar? No. You point a camera and run a website. So shut your damn mouth and let the pro help me get off. You're the friend everyone wishes they'd left at home when they go to the strip club - leering over your shoulder while you're trying to enjoy your lapdance. I've said it before and I'll damn sure say it again: I do NOT need to be hearing your voice right now.


  1. Id like to add one here.

    Dont cut from a shot of the girl being boned, to a closeup of the dudes face.

  2. Redback, that's an excellent addition. I hate that shit too.

    Oh, here's a hot chick getting it hard, all hot and nasty, looking like she's really into it... BOOM! Close up on some ugly dude, usually making some stupid face. And he's staring straight into the camera.

    I hate the fuck out of that shit.